Fuck I'm a Manifestor - Now what? Peace
Signature of Peace.
God, did that piss me off when I first understood that I am here to be peaceful. I was never peaceful. I was angry, pissy, and ready to fight at any moment!
As always, remember that I am an emotional manifestor settled on the roof as a 6/2 profile with the 19-49 design of a sensitive being, the 12-22 design of openness, and the 43-23 design of genius to freak. My experience might not reflect yours.
And then I experienced it in the most mundane and, to my mind, insane way. I followed a nudge, an urge, my body being moved.
It feels silly to even type this, but I was moved to redo our garden. For 12 years, we had left it ungroomed; moss and weeds had taken over. And I had made up a mind story about hating gardening. I hated insects. Spiders are the worst thing to happen to this world, and I never wanted to go out there and work in the garden.
And one day, I found myself buying the tools needed to dig up everything.
I got on my knees and started digging. And digging and digging and digging. I was pulling up every root I could find, creating deep holes because have you ever dug up a dandelion root? Like, have you? Those fuckers run deep. And I had hundreds of them.
My husband thought I was insane, but I told him to let me do this. I don't know why, but I have to do this.
While I was outside digging away, I could hear my mind ask me what the fuck are you doing? Why are you out here? Why do you care? You HATE this! You are not a person who likes gardening; get up and stop!
But my body continued. And continued. I would be out there for hours on end. Just digging up the moss. Digging up the weeds. Filling up the trash with all the shit I dug up.
When I finally stopped because my hands could no longer take it, I went inside, got in the shower, and felt this wave of peace. A silent feeling of nothing.
Peace for me is not a tangible calm sense; it's a feeling of being one with everything. Being one with myself. Being one with my body. Allowing myself to be moved in this manner was something that I had not felt in a while.
I had used my creative energy for others for the longest time. And that left me angry. I had been using my initiation powers to manifest for everyone around me. But not myself.
What comes to mind when I ask, "when was the last time I felt like this?" I was around 4 or 5 and in my room. I had just got a big box of crayons, and a giant see-through plastic bucket with a crayon sharpener on the top came with it. I was silent, sharpening every crayon down, and then gathered the crayon flakes and created a big ball of mixed colors. I used those balls to draw with and felt like I was one with the world. There was no end to me or the paper I was drawing on; we were connected in this creation I had made.
That is until a parent came in and yelled at me for doing that. They had just bought these for me. They were brand new, and I had ruined them.
(Whenever I speak about the people who raised me, remember I never share my story to blame or shame! In this case, we didn't have much money, and buying a box of 50 Crayola Crayons was expensive! I understand their reaction. I understand why it played out the way it did!)
But that is the last time I can remember feeling peaceful. At peace. In peace.
And here I was, digging up my garden, feeling the same peaceful feeling.
There are a few components needed to create this peace. To honor my signature as an adult manifestor.
I need space to be in a restful state- my natural state.
I need space to do as I please with no questions asked.
I must honor that my mind does not know what will bring me this peace.
Honoring my peace as an adult manifestor looks like this:
Not setting an alarm clock.
Informing my husband about my mood.
No notifications on my phone, except for calls and sms.
Silent mode on my phone, always.
Do not disturb turned on from 21.00 - 13.00.
Doing what I feel like when I feel like it.
Moving my body how I want and feel like it.
Being brutally honest when my mind tries to get in the way of what my body is driving me to do.
Allowing the mind to speak its mind while I still follow through in the uncomfortable sense of "doing something wrong."
Understanding that radically protecting my peace is for me, and anyone offended by that is not my problem to deal with.
There are many more things I will actively do to protect my peace. Like I have a headset I wear, and when I do, my husband CAN NOT speak to me.
Protecting my peace at all costs has become my main focus. It's my full-time job.
Back to the garden, by the end, my sacral MG husband had joined, and we got rid of 1 ton of old grass, moss, weed, and other things that had started growing in our garden.
Little did I know that was the start of me initiating the biggest thing I've done in a while - selling the house and becoming nomadic.
And that meant using the next 5 months renovating our home before selling it in less than 24 hours of the first viewing, selling most of our stuff within the next 6 weeks, and moving to Greece as the first stop in our new nomadic life.
Impacted? Moved? Let me know in a comment below
